Category Archives: Idle Chatter

Are we there yet?

There was an internal job posting in work yesterday that a supervisor put on my desk for me. It is for the Human Resources Co-ordinator position that was recently vacated and the former co-ordinator is now one of the payroll specialists. This company is really big on promoting from within, it’s tough to do but possible. The supervisor that had left it on my desk thinks I am a great candidate for the job so today I applied. I would be working the reception area as well as cross training with many positions in the HR office. This job almost always leads to a position with HR whether it’s hiring, payroll, whatever. It’s almost a $4.00 an hour raise and the hours are the same. 

I spent last night prettying up my resume, putting together a “you know you’re gonna hire me” coverletter and filling out a job bid form. My supervisor and operations director do need to sign off on the job bid and although I did not think it would be an issue I still had that Negative Nelly moment of “What if they think I’m a crappy person for this job?” I needn’t have worried. My supervisor was so bloody excited about me applying I asked him if he wanted to get rid of me. He took my application to our director, she was thrilled that I had applied (seems like everyone want’s me off of this floor) and want’s to personally recommend me for the position to the head of HR. Wowsers! Now I know I will not be the only person applying and the odds of me getting it are just OK but it feels so great to be appreciated for all of the hard work I do.

Tonight at supper we sat talking about our day. It’s our family ritual. When the wee soldiers asked how my day was I told them about applying for a job within the company. My Green Eyed Boy asked “What kind of job is it mum?” and Sgt piped up “If it was a job where she needed to pee on a stick every day she’d be a shoo-in.” Jackass!

OK,  I admit I have a bit of a poas problem. I can’t help myself. I began testing on Tuesday, just 8 dpdiui. I know what you’re thinking. Just setting myself up for disappointment. I told myself it was just to see if the 0vidrel trigger was out of my system yet and it was.  Wednesday I swore I saw a faint line. So faint that I held it up a close to the bathroom light as I could just to be sure. Sgt saw nothing but he’s a blind man. I tested again Thursday, faint line. Just a shade darker but still faint. I tested again yesterday afternoon after I came home from work feeling sick. Faint line. Sgt held this one up to the light and asked for a test that had not been used so he would have a reference. He said he saw it, but I don’t believe him, he’s a lying jackass. Tested again this morning, faint line that seems to be a bit darker. Tested again this afternoon. Yup, you guessed it, faint line again. I made Sgt. stop at the Rexa11 on the way home so I could purchase a ‘brandname’ hpt to use tomorrow morning. I bought a two pack because like I said I am a bit obsessive. If you have kept count I have now used 6 hpt’s in just 4 days. It’s a good thing I bought them in bulk from Save On Tests. This is the first time I have used the cartridge tests so I am a bit leary hence the purchase of the namebrand hpt.

Tomorrow morning I will pee in my plastic cup and use both the namebrand test as well as the cartridge. Results, good or bad, will be posted right away as well as an update to SLW. It promises to be a good one.

All is not butter that comes from the cow.

Shit, 5 days without a post. You must think I am a lazy cow. I have great intentions every evening to sit and write a post but once I get my ass settled into the sofa and flick on the tube all those grand intentions disappear. I am a lazy cow. Moo.

What’s new here … lemme see ….
I am close to the half-way point of the 2ww. The dreaded 2ww. Without it we would not have hope. I am doing my best not to read into signals my body is sending out. You know the cramping, sleepiness, moodswings (which Sgt clearly enjoys). It’s a difficult time the 2ww. I wish it was over but at the same time I am not ready to hear “I’m sorry, your beta came back negative.” My thoughts throughout the day jump from “Oh for the love of all that is holy and good, this has got to be it, I had 4 beautiful follicles .” to “Just because it was the ‘perfect cycle’ means jack. Women have ‘perfect cycles’ all the time an get the shaft.” Cybil has nothing on me. I spend my free time either laying on the couch watching the idiot-box, purchasing hpt’s online or G00gling Pr0gester0ne side effects. Damn, I need a better hobby. Got any suggestions?

Work is …. well it’s work. Last Monday I applied for a mentoring/coaching position. It doesn’t pay any more then I am already making but it get’s me off of the phone for 3 weeks at a time to help new representatives. It’s something that I have done in the past and really enjoy. I was chosen for one of the three positions but alas had to turn it down because the training for it was on one of the days I had an appointment in Toronto for this cycle. One of the supervisors told me I had been chosen before I had even applied, that made me feel pretty good about myself. I have been promised by my director that I will be one of the two people in the next training phase because they want to have 5 coaches all together for our line of business. When the next training day is I haven’t the foggiest. I am just grateful to be recognized in this company, something that is hard to achieve.

Last night I went out for some good great transcendent Indian cuisine. There is this fantastic curry house in the downtown area and I could eat there every night. I went out with a co-worker M. We entertained ourselves throughout the meal with office gossip. When you work in a call center there is always good gossip to be shared. M shared with me a particularly juicy tidbit last night. The coaching/mentoring position I talked about earlier is now being sought after be a Sneaky Little Wench, who will now be referred to as SLW. Even though she is well past the deadline for applying for said position. This SLW is a crafty one. Going as far as to threaten to quit if her supervisor does not guarantee she will be promoted in the next six months. Holy mother of God, acting like a spoiled three year old on the cookie aisle holding her breath until her mother gives in and purchases the chocolate dipped snickerdoodles. It is known by a few of us that the SLW is currently making love sleeping with  fucking a supervisor in our line of business. This is extremely frowned upon by our company so they have done their best to keep it very quiet. If I am bumped from the next wave of training for this skank I promise you the shit will hit the fan. I am not above marching down to the head of HR and filing a formal complaint.

Now if you will excuse me I need to wait by the mailbox for the htp’s to arrive, see if there are any new side effects for pr0geter0ne and later have a little laydown on the couch.

How was your week?

‘The Antidote for Fifty Enemies is One Friend.’

Saturday I headed to Toronto to spend the night with my best girlfriend. She and I have shared a lot over the years, much of which we could use to blackmail one another. She was and still is there for me always. If I needed an ear to listen at 3 am she was the one I’d call, no hesitation. And when she answered that 3 am call never once did I feel like I was bothering her. When she would call me I hope she always felt the same way. Unconditional friendship and love, every girl should be so lucky.

I arrived at K’s just past lunch time with the most uncomfortably full bladder a woman could ever have. I hadn’t stopped to pee because I couldn’t wait to see her. After a mad dash up to the apartment I dropped everything and rushed into the washroom. I couldn’t even take a second to give her a much deserved hug. Finally relieved I hugged her tight and realized how much I miss seeing her everyday. We spent every day together for two years, she was my neighbour, we shared walls, our life stories and gallons of tea into the wee hours of the morning. What I could also share with her was silence. Comfortable silence that did not need to be filled with idle chatter. She came into my life when Sgt. was still a Cpl. and overseas in Bosnia on a UN tour. I was all alone and my wee soldiers were both under 2 years of age. Overwhelmed and exhausted, missing my lover and best-friend she was just what I needed. It’s been years since we moved away from one another. I have come close to having friendships with other women like I have with K but have never felt I could share everything about myself and still be loved warts and all.

K and I spent the afternoon shopping like wild women, catching up on each others live. I dropped a bit of moola on some much needed  desperately needed  just because I have no other items of clothing  irresistible pants and tops and of course could not resist had to have a lovely pair of shoes at Pay*less that were begging me to take them home. We had a nice meal and headed back to her apartment to jump into some cozy jammies and watch the movie Duplex with Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore. I love a movie where I don’t need to think to hard and if I miss 10 minutes of it I have not lost the plot line.

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K came with me to my Re appointment this morning. The crazy bloodthirsty vampire was working again,however she refrained from poking me more then once to get what she needed. The ultrasound showed my lining to be at 6.9 today. I guess the ba*by asp*rin is helping. I have one follicle on the right at 10 and one at 12, two follicles on the left at 12 and 13 respectively. Not to shabby. Rx continues to be 50 iu of Pure*gon until I head back to the big city on Tuesday to measure again.

Here a Google, there a Google, everywhere a Google Google

Sometimes I have to laugh at the phrases used in search engines that lead people to this site.

you belong in a zoo … you look like a monkey and you smell like one too.

still waiting for u … not sure who you are waiting for but I hope they show up soon.

donor sperm … Safe, effective sperm worldwide. Rigerous testing. Beautiful babies. As promised.

Customer Waiting … I hope you were not waiting very long.

october sucks … good to see that October not only sucked for me, it sucked for others too.

diui bfp … something I have had twice but sadly did not stick around.

and still waiting … I guess the person you are waiting for still has not shown up.

teenage attitude … great if you’re a teenager, not so great if you are the parent of a teenager.

why october sucks … I can’t speak for others, only myself. This site contains the opinion of a 36 year old woman with poor egg quality, lot’s of things suck. This is why it sucked for me. 

late payment  … something you will no doubt be calling me at work one day to have explained to you …

waiting on two pink lines … aren’t we all sweetheart, aren’t we all.

Parenting Faux Pas

While catching up with some of my favorite IF blogs I came across this post of Julie’s at A Little Pregnant. I came close to peeing my pants or perhaps worse, splitting open one of my swollen ovaries (more on that later). Her post had me thinking back to a car ride with my wee soliders when we lived in Alberta and a small comment by my oldest wee soldier who was just 5 at the time.

I have always been very careful with my choice of words around my children. One word that I find over-used and quite insulting is the word stupid. It is one word that sends me back to being a young lass in elementary school with a teacher who used the word carelessly when speaking with his students making them feel … well … stupid.  Sgt and I agreed that would be one word we would not allow, treating it just as we would words like shit.

One day I was heading into the city to do a bit of shopping. The wee soldiers were sitting in the back seat, munching on Gold*fish crackers and chatting about all the great treats mummy was going to buy for them. The road I was on had two lanes heading east and there was a woman in the car ahead of me using both going particularly slow. Frustration was begining to set in (I have a slight road-rage issue, I admit) and I muttered to myself “Come on you stupid bitch, pick a lane already.” Now, you would think that my being a mother and knowing full well that kids hear everything that you never want them to hear and nothing you do want them to hear I would know better than to mutter something like that under my breath however I have already admitted to having a slight road-rage issue (see above).  From the back seat my oldest pipes up “Mummy, that was not a nice thing you said to that lady.” “Yes sweetie, you’re right. Mummy should not have said that, I’m sorry.” I said to my brown-eyed boy. A slight pause and then …

“You should have called her a silly bitch.”

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I have my day 7 appointment tomorrow morning to count and measure my follies. Feels like they are getting heavier by the hour and the ache has now spread to my lower back. I hope there’s a good count yet not to high that they cancel this cycle. Last cycle I had three good size ones at this point with the Letro*zol and Dr.C is hoping to have as many if not one more.

One Small Step

I crossed a threshold yesterday.

While on break at work I was chatting with a few gals from my floor about autumn, birthdays and my 36 year old eggs. One of the gals commented on her two miscarriages since starting her job and thought stress may be the reason. Ana (I girl I started my training with) became a bit pale. I asked her if everything was OK and she said that the comment made her nervous. She had not told anyone other then her partner that she is expecting (16 weeks) and has had several miscarriages before this. I felt her anxiety, I’ve been there myself, but what I also felt suprised me.

I felt happy for her. Genuine happiness for Ana because she has surpassed all the weeks of her previous miscarriages and her ultrasounds showed everything was looking perfect. I hugged and congratulated her without having that little voice inside me whining “Why not me?” It felt so good to feel happy for someone else instead of bitter. I can’t say it will happen again for another person, but for my friend Ana I have a smile, a hug and and look forward to seeing her big belly in the coming months.

Happy Birthday to you … You belong in the Zoo

It’s raining this morning. Fall is in the air … you can smell it. The wood smoke drifting from a neighbours home, the crisp mornings with the tiniest hint of frost. I always loved autumn as a kid. I think it had more to do with my birthday coming then anything else.

Birthdays are always a big thing aren’t they? When you were are child your birthday seemed to be ages away and there was always one more milestone to reach. Turning 5 meant leaving the safety and security of home and getting on a huge, yellow bus that would take you to this enormous school. There you would meet new friends and every day bring home a sachel filled with arts and crafts. I loved school at this age and could not wait for Mondays to come so I could hop up on that bus.

The next big birthday for me was turning 10. Now I had not one, but two digits in my age! Only three more years until I would become a teenager! 13 was the begining of an extremely emotionally chaotic time in my life. Highschool loomed and hormones raged.

Next came 16, learners permit and I fell in love for the very first time. He was everything I could have wanted at 16 … a little daring and dangerous. He was also the first person I slept with. He broke my heart 3 months later.

18 years was an exciting one. I could legally drink alcohol in Quebec. I grew up in a small town on the Ontario/Quebec border and spent many weekends with friends heading over to the two bars the small Quebec towns had to offer.

19 years meant I no longer had to steal away to another province, I could stay in Ontario and get shit-faced while dancing to Manilli-Vanilli and George Michael atop speakers in Copperfields. 19 was the year I met my husband. He was and still is everything I could ever wish for.

After 19 the birthdays came a little more quickly. 22, newly married and pregnant for the first time. I’m now a mom at 23 and pregnant with my second child. 24, left for 6 months with a toddler and a newborn while my dh serves our country half a world away. 28 was a tough birthday for me, it meant one more step closer to the dreaded 30!

This year I’ll be 36 … it’s only a week and 3 days away. This year all I can think about is my 36 year old eggs and how their reserve is getting lower and lower. How much time do I have left to have another child? Two pregnancies and two miscarriages at 35 do not make me hopeful. We have an appointment with the RE on Tuesday to talk about me, my eggs and what our next step is going to be.

All I can think about is my soon-to-be 36 year old eggs.

A Change Will Do you Good …

Two weeks ago my supervisor left, move to BC to start a new life. I envy her and I miss her terribly. Work just has not been the same since. I drag my ass in there everyday and listen to people tell me all their troubles … I have to keep a shiny, happy face through all of this *blech* It’s been harder and harder for me to do that so …

I woke up this morning and decided to call in sick *cough cough*. I’m job hunting for the rest of the day as well as getting caught up on some much needed housework. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the people I work with. They are some of the brightest and funniest people I have ever had the pleasure to work with. It’s the job that’s becoming monotonous. See, I work for a call-center and our contract is for a major Canadian Phone company. At first I loved what I was doing and who I was working with. It was also my temporary job while I was pregnant so I would have some employment insurance to fall back on (before this I was self-employed for 7 years). After my miscarriage in May I thought “This is just what I need, a place to go everyday to take my mind off of things.” and it did but now it’s become a place I resent every morning. So now it’s my turn to make a change. What that change is going to be I’m not sure.