Category Archives: Appointments

Cleatus the Fetus

My doctors appointment went well. Just a quick once-over because I am not to have any internals at this point. BP’s good, heart & lungs seem to be working fine. She is referring me to the High-Risk clinic in the city I work in because of the past years miscarriages and because Cleatus seems to be using his/her placenta as a punching bag.

The ultrasound went well too. Sgt came in with me right at the start. The tech usually makes partners wait until all the measurements are done before allowing them in the room but made an exception for us. Gotta love small towns.

Cleatus is measuring about 5 cm now and the heartrate was measured at 161 bpm. Nice-lady tech printed off another photo for us. My scanner is a piece of shit and does not work well with our newer computer so to make do I tried taking some digital pictures. They are not the best but will do for now. It’s a little bright at the top from the flash I couldn’t disable … I’m a twit when it comes to crap like that.

cleatus_11w0d.jpg

 

This and That

I have two appointments today. One with my GP, the other with the ultrasound clinic to check on Cleatus’ placenta. Sgt will be home at 9:30 to come with me. My GP has not seen me since being released by my RE on December 19th. The last time I was pregnant I didn’t even bother to call her and set up an appointment because my beta’s were so crappy. When I was pregnant in the spring I asked her to send me to an OB as soon as she could because I had had trouble with abnormal cells on my cervix many years ago that resulted in a colcoscolpy and I wanted the best care I could get. She wouldn’t send me until I was at 30 weeks. I made it to 9/10 weeks. This visit I will insist on an OB sooner then 30 weeks, only because of the two miscarriages. I’m curious to see what she will do. 

I’ll update later when I get back.

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Last week at work I had the customer from hell. I did a follow-up for this gentleman, applied PR credits to his account because another department had screwed up, and do you know what I got? I was yelled at, told our company was a mess etc, etc. I hear this sort of thing everyday but for some reason this jackass really got to me. I could feel my eyes start to well up with tears and my face flush. I’m not sure why this particular caller got to me the way he did, hormones maybe? I asked my supervisor for a few minutes to cool off because this guy has me so pissed. I have never had a caller get to me this way and it made me feel vulnerable.

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The boys have a day off … freezing rain/sleet/snow has cancelled the buses. Excitement for them.

I grew up in a small town located in the Ottawa Valley. Snowdays were common. I remember the excitement, the thrill of being able to spend the day at home. My brother and I would sit next to the radio listening and praying with all our might that the announcer would call out our bus number. The joy felt when we did hear it was tangible.

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It is de-lurking week my friends. I know there are several people that pop by here and I would love to know who you are. Leave a comment, say hi. It is de-lurking week after all.

Wednesday Worry

I had a little spotting yesterday morning. Just enough to see a small pink smear on the toilet paper when I wiped. Most pregnant women would not get too worked up over something so small; some may not even notice it. However as an IFer I have a paranoid habit of checking every time I wipe. The freedom of wiping without worry ended for me in May with my miscarriage.

I woke up Sgt and told him I was heading over to the ER. He asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no. I needed to go on my own.

I arrived at our ER at 7:30 am and sat waiting in to triage room. The nurse called me in; she was very kind and made me laugh with silly stories of the ER. She really helped with the tension I was feeling. She also had a giggle over the list of medications I had been on and am on now, period dates, iui dates, beta dates and levels and wished all patients were as organized when they came in. I said ‘You must not get a lot of IF people coming through the doors here.’

After triage I sat in the small waiting area for only a few minutes and was called back to the main part of the ER. The wait for the doctor wasn’t long. He popped his head in the room I was in and I could not believe my eyes. This fellow was young! Or I’m getting older. Dr. Doogie was great. Asked me a million questions and told me he had done some residency time at an ART clinic in Toronto. This explains why when I used terms like iui, progesterone suppositories and Pure*gon he didn’t blink. He said he would be right back and headed out to discuss my details with the main doctor on call. Within 5 minutes both Dr. Doogie and Dr. OnCall were in my room. Dr. OnCall asked a gazillion questions but I had to explain all of the medications I am/was on to him and their benefit. He asked if he and Dr. Doogie could perform and ultrasound with the ER’s new portable machine just to see how everything looked. Of course I said yes needing to know that everything was OK.They rolled in the machine grinning like two boys playing with their new Christmas present. I guess this machine has only come to our ER in the past few weeks and they were very excited about it. I lay back on the stretcher and listened to the play-by-play of what they were seeing. ‘Bladder .. looks very full. Did you know your bladder becomes square shaped when full Mrs. Sgt?’ ‘Over here, right ovary. Looks good … left ovary, good as well.’ ‘Dr. Dougie, do you see the triple stripping in the lining?’ This is when I pipe up and state with all of my worldly knowledge of lining stripes ‘I know a triple-strip lining is exactly what doctors love to see when trying to achieve a pregnancy. I have a great lining don’t I?’ to which they both laugh and ask if I have been given an honorary Ph.D.Then they see it … a black sac with one very active fetus. Arms and legs moving, torso twisting about. I can’t see anything because Dr. OnCall has his arm in the way. He moves the machine so I can see it all. Head, arms, legs, heartbeat. All flipping and twisting about in that little sac. Beautiful. Dr. OnCall says ‘Protocol says I am not aloud to say that I see a viable, ongoing intrauterine pregnancy, but I see a viable, ongoing intrauterine pregnancy Mrs. Sgt. Let’s get you in to the regular ultrasound room for more detailed photos.’ With that he printed off a picture for me to keep.

They get me in with the main ultrasound department 15 minutes later to take measurements. The tech I had is one of my favorites. She is the tech that confirmed my missed-miscarriage in May. She is the one that held my hand and cried with me while I looked at the screen showing the empty sac. This time she spent about 20 minutes taking pictures, measurements and commenting on how this little one was not very cooperative with all it’s jumping about. We talked about her sister who is now 39 and thinking about starting a family.

Then she turns the screen towards me and we watch the fetus, listen to the heartbeat beating at 167 and see it measuring 9w4d. Two days ahead of it’s date. More pictures for me to take home.

I head back down to the ER and wait for Dr. OnCall and Dr. Doogie to come in with all the results from the ultrasound. When they do I hear some news that sounds scary. The radiologist thinks she may have seen a small amount of blood between the placenta and the wall of the uterus. It was hard to tell because this kid wouldn’t stay still long enough to get a really clear shot. This could mean there is a placenta abruption and they want me back in 12 days for another ultrasound.I was given a list of Do’s and Don’ts which will be pretty easy to follow.

  • No skiing or tobogganing. (no problem, we have no snow.)
  • No jumping. (sorry dogs, we can’t play like we usually do for now.)
  • No contact sports such as hockey. (something I have wanted to play but don’t.)
  • No internal exams. ( *insert snarky tone* really? it’s one of my favorite exams … )
  • Do take things a bit easy and if you experience heavy bleeding, clots passing, fever, dizziness come into the ER right away. (can do boss.)
  • No sex. (which upon hearing Sgt clearly stated he wanted a second opinion.)

I was home by 10 am. It was a quiet day in our ER.So I have taken today off of work to relax and will head back in tomorrow. My supervisor is also pregnant, 6 weeks ahead of me, and was very understanding. Told me to take whatever time I needed and wished me the very best.

So for now, I have one very active fetus rolling about my uterus measuring 2.71 cm. I feel a small sense of relief I am going to grab onto that happiness and hold it close to my heart until my next ultrasound on January 15th. 

A tiny pixel that flickers … a sight to see

Our trip to Toronto went well. Traffic was a bit hellish but that is always expected.

The ultrasound showed one sac, one little heartbeat and an embryo measuring 10.4mm. Bang on where it should be for 7w1d. I have some photo’s that I will try and scan later.

My RE has signed off on me. I am now in the hands of my GP and will be referred to an OB in the new year.

Over one hurdle but the fear of another loss is not far from my thoughts. Does that ever go away?

Is that an embryo in your tummy or do you just need to poop?

Work, last week, was insane. We had 12 new agents hit the floor and I did straight floor support all week for these 12 people. Just me and one other guy. It was fun but exhausting. Sgt would pick me up at 5pm and I would nap for 30 minutes on the way home.  

Just a quick update.

Still tired, boobs still sore and still having trouble with pooping. I give up.

I bought some pants this weekend at 0ld*Navee. They had these great khaki’s on sale in the maternity section for just $19.99 and jeans for $6.97! I have already grown out of my regular jeans although I’m not sure if it’s my uterus or just the crap piling up in me.

Ultrasound tomorrow at 1pm. I will be 7w1d and the re is pretty sure we’ll be able to see some activity on the screen. I’m betting he’ll be able to see all the shit stuck in my colon.

Monomania

Iui was at 10:30 this morning. Re seemed pleased at the amount of mucus he had to wipe away from my cervix … not something most men get excited about. Procedure was relatively easy, some mild cramping on the way home and now my ovaries feel a bit swollen, achy. One more thing to obsess about. 

Donor (aka The Man Jam) did his part. 20M/ml with 60% motility. As I type there are 4.2 million motile swim team members rushing towards the 4 lovely eggs 11 days of injections have produced. God, I hope they are going in the right direction. Now all that is left to do is wait obsessively.

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Good news on the IF frontlines. Mrs Alli of Secondary Infertility had cancelled her cycle this month but it looks like she has gotten a pleasant surprise while taking a break. Why not stop by and offer her and Mr Alli congratulations! Oh and check out her adorable pooch Frankie while you’re there. You can almost smell the puppy breath!

Man Jam and the Swim Team

As much as I dislike having to go through IF treatments in our quest to have another child I treasure every minute of the two + hour drive to our clinic. Sgt has come to all but two of my appointments since starting treatment last January. He’s a keeper that Sgt of mine.

Our routine to get there is always the same, up at 5am … out the door at 6:15. Coffee and a pee in Port Hope, battle through the rush hour traffic and arrive on the clinics doorstep around 9 am. It’s not often we have two hours of uninterrupted time to talk about life. Sometimes during the drive we talk about serious grown-up stuff like the day our brown-eyed boy was caught forging my signature. Other times we have fantasized about what we would do if we won the lottery. Some days it real boring shit like our jobs. I appreciate every minute of the drive.

Today’s drive our discussion turned to the up and coming diui. I have a feeling it will be done this Saturday, November 11th, Remembrance Day. A very important day to our family. Sgt and I are go every year at the cenotaph to show our gratitude and respect for the soldiers who have paid the ultimate sacrifice for our country’s freedom. Since Sgt’s tour to Afghanistan for OP Apollo in 2002 this day has become more to us. On April 18th, 2002 Sgt’s battle group lost four of their brothers in arms to a friendly fire bombing accident. Sgt was on that training field that night when the bomb was dropped and knew each of these men. As I said, November 11th is a day of great importance to us and I was struggling with having the diui done on that significant day.

I mention to Sgt that if the diui is scheduled for Saturday I will drive to Toronto by myself even though it means missing the ceremonies.

“Not to worry,” say’s Sgt “it’s not like I need to be there to contribute in the conventional way.”

“I’ll miss you not being there but I’m sure the swim team on ice will do just fine on their own.” said I.

“Swim team? We’re not calling them the swim team. Sounds too faggie. I’m calling them The Man Jam.”

That Sgt sure knows how to charm a lady. Told you he was a keeper.

‘The Antidote for Fifty Enemies is One Friend.’

Saturday I headed to Toronto to spend the night with my best girlfriend. She and I have shared a lot over the years, much of which we could use to blackmail one another. She was and still is there for me always. If I needed an ear to listen at 3 am she was the one I’d call, no hesitation. And when she answered that 3 am call never once did I feel like I was bothering her. When she would call me I hope she always felt the same way. Unconditional friendship and love, every girl should be so lucky.

I arrived at K’s just past lunch time with the most uncomfortably full bladder a woman could ever have. I hadn’t stopped to pee because I couldn’t wait to see her. After a mad dash up to the apartment I dropped everything and rushed into the washroom. I couldn’t even take a second to give her a much deserved hug. Finally relieved I hugged her tight and realized how much I miss seeing her everyday. We spent every day together for two years, she was my neighbour, we shared walls, our life stories and gallons of tea into the wee hours of the morning. What I could also share with her was silence. Comfortable silence that did not need to be filled with idle chatter. She came into my life when Sgt. was still a Cpl. and overseas in Bosnia on a UN tour. I was all alone and my wee soldiers were both under 2 years of age. Overwhelmed and exhausted, missing my lover and best-friend she was just what I needed. It’s been years since we moved away from one another. I have come close to having friendships with other women like I have with K but have never felt I could share everything about myself and still be loved warts and all.

K and I spent the afternoon shopping like wild women, catching up on each others live. I dropped a bit of moola on some much needed  desperately needed  just because I have no other items of clothing  irresistible pants and tops and of course could not resist had to have a lovely pair of shoes at Pay*less that were begging me to take them home. We had a nice meal and headed back to her apartment to jump into some cozy jammies and watch the movie Duplex with Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore. I love a movie where I don’t need to think to hard and if I miss 10 minutes of it I have not lost the plot line.

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K came with me to my Re appointment this morning. The crazy bloodthirsty vampire was working again,however she refrained from poking me more then once to get what she needed. The ultrasound showed my lining to be at 6.9 today. I guess the ba*by asp*rin is helping. I have one follicle on the right at 10 and one at 12, two follicles on the left at 12 and 13 respectively. Not to shabby. Rx continues to be 50 iu of Pure*gon until I head back to the big city on Tuesday to measure again.

Bloodletting on a Wednesday

The drive to Toronto to see the RE was relatively uneventful other than the morning traffic. Sgt get’s quite rilled up with the “big city” drivers who try to balance their Star*Buck’s coffee in one hand, cell phone in the other while trying to steer with their knees. A few choice phrases were used by Sgt and directed at the crazy “city folk” … like “Eat shit asshole.”, “Fuckin’ jackass.” and my personal favorite “Fuck you, fucker!”

I arrive at the RE’s office at 9:30 am and sign the ultrasound/bloodwork sheet. Within a few minutes I am called back to have my blood drawn. It’s the new girl taking my blood today. The same new girl that left a bruise the size of lemon on the inside of my arm last month. Today one of the “veteran vampire’s” is there to supervise. The inexperienced vampire puts the rubberband so tight around my upper left arm that my hand starts to feel tingly. She then proceeds to wipe my inner elbow with an alcohol wipe for what seems like 5 minutes. I’m sure it was only 30 seconds but come on already. Not seeing a vein she deems worthy, she takes off the rubberband and starts all over on the right arm. Now before I go any further with this tale I must tell you that anyone who has ever taken blood from me, and there has been a lot of blood taking lately, has always commented on how easy it is, how my veins just “pop” right out.  So after repeating herself on my right arm she takes off the rubberband and asks me if I have ever had my blood taken from my hand. I don’t speak for a second or two, just look at her and the veteran a little like this …   “Uh, no … ” is my response. So she starts all over on the left arm, finds what whe thinks might be my vein and pokes me ….. nothing comes out. She wiggles the needle around a bit ….. still no blood. At this point the veteran steps in to take over. He has a go with my right arm and within 10 seconds produces a vial. My left arm is bleeding like mad, I have saturated the cotton that was put there and it’s running down my arm.

After my bloodletting I head down the hall for my ultrasound. Dildo-cam in, things look good. The huge follicles from last month are gone and I am given the green light to start this cycle. My rx this time is straight injections of 50 iu of Pure*gon starting today through Saturday. I head back in on Sunday morning to see how I have responded. One of my closest friends lives in Toronto so I think I may head up Saturday on the train and spend the night with her catching up, drinking some Merlot and laughing until I can not breath … or pee my pants. Whatever comes first.

Fourth Quarter & Final Down

My due date is looming, just 4 weeks away. I can’t stop thinking about it, how my stomach should be taut and round. How I should not be able to see my feet. What he or she would look like. Would I be a week or so early like the boys? Or would this one have been late? right on time? So many thoughts, so many hopes and dreams, so many prayers and wishes. Nothing to hold.

I wake up often … that thin veil between dream and reality still infront of my eyes. I see a newborn in a blue and green striped sleeper with auburn hair and blue eyes but can not get to the baby. I panic, wake fully and cry softly.

Aunt Flo stopped by this morning for a visit.  Cd 3 ultrasound and bloodwork is set for Wednesday morning. Sperm is on ice. Maybe my due date will be cause for a small celebration. Oh God I hope so.