The Still Waiting Journey

I began this blog in September 2006. It was, and continues to be, a safe place for me to share my thoughts, fears, frustrations with others in the IF community.I have ‘met’ some wonderful people on this journey. While we all have a different story to share we all have one thing in common. Infertility.This is my journey so far … typos and all.While living in Alberta I had this unsettling feeling that my family was not yet complete. We have two wonderful boys but I could not shake this niggling idea that I was to be a mother to more then just 2. I wrestled with my own selfishnesh for many years but that feeling just wouldn’t leave.Several years earlier we had thought our family was complete and Sgt had a vasectomy. We looked into reversal and weighed the odds. After many nights of talking we made a decision. Adopt.Sgt and I approached our local CAS to begin the steps it would take to becoming adoptive parents.The worker assigned to us in Alberta was not too keen on us. She had a history of not wanting to work with military families and let us know right away that ‘our situation’ was not the ideal type to raise a child. Angry at the discrimination we received and fully let down we stopped our pursuit.We moved back to Ontario in 2003 and that feeling crept back into my head/heart and would not leave. We contacted our local CAS and the worker we were assigned this time was more that thrilled to be working with us. Sgt and I had been trying to adopt an older child through our local CAS for over a year and we had come very close a few times to being matched with a child however other CAS’s from other municipalities felt that our military life was not the ideal situation for a child to be placed in.After coming home from yet another disappointing adoption conference Sgt said to me ‘Let’s see if we can have one more with some help for a doctor. Even if they can’t use my sperm we can al least try a donor. We know you have no problem getting pregnant and will also know the full prenatal history … ‘The following day I did a little reasearch on the www and found a clinic in Toronto that I liked and called them. We had an appointment for an assesment the following month.The clinic staff was great. They went over all of our options with us including MESA mixed with IVF/ICSI as well as donor IUI’s. Sgt and I headed home with a armful of brochures, pamphlets and a new vocabulary. After much contemplation and late night talks we decided to go with donor IUI, because after all I had not had trouble conceiving in the past. Little did we know things had changed for me in the last 11 years.We scoured the donor banks, settled on ‘our guy’ and started our first cycle in January 2006. Simple cycle with Chl0mid, Pureg0n and 0vidrel. Two weeks after the diui I got my period. I had been telling myself it probably wouldn’t work the first time, odds were it wouldn’t, but I was still crushed.February I was on a ‘rest cycle’ and birth control pills because of a nasty cyst on one of the ovaries.March we tried again with the same protocol. This time we were sucessful … for about 9 weeks. On May 12 my ultrasound showed an empty sac measuring at about 7 weeks. Missed miscarriage they told me. D&C was scheduled for the 19th. Depression set in and Sgt wanted to stop. The miscarriage had left me an emotional wreck and he did not want me to go through something so awful again. I wanted to try at least one more time using a different donor.July we gear up for a new cycle using a new donor. My RE changes the protocol a bit this time. Instead of Chl0mid we use Letr0z0l and get a beautiful response. Beta comes back low but positive. Second beta comes in lower and the third confirms what I know is happening. Another miscarriage, this one early.Not being a gal that gives in easily I make another appointment wth the RE to discuss my age, eggs and odds. She agrees that my age is now a factor, my eggs are not the best quality and wants to proceed with our final diui a bit more agressively. We contiune with the Letr0zol and that cycle is cancelled at day 7. The folloies are ready to go but my lining is looking a bit thin.Last cycle starts October 30, 2006. This time no Chl0mid, no Lertr0z0l, straight injections to get at least two folicles, no more than four. I respond like a trooper and have 4 beautiful folicles for our ’swim team’ to target. Diui is done on November 13, 2006. My first beta comes in at 353 the second following up with a healthy 954 two days later. 

Graeme Henry was born on August 3, 2007 at 11:04 pm. 4 days before the army posted us 200 kms. He is the most amazing baby. We couldn’t ask for any thing more.

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